


Go Back to Sleep, Precious

by AngelNo13Bardiel



Series: Black Celebration [1]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Other, POV First Person, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 18:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17289341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelNo13Bardiel/pseuds/AngelNo13Bardiel
Summary: When it all falls apart for the Second Child, what can one damaged young man do?





	Go Back to Sleep, Precious

**Author's Note:**

> _**DISCLAIMER:**_ I still don't own Evangelion or any of its characters, that's all still the property of…whoever owns it these days. Probably never will either, but I'm okay with that (too much legal hassle to potentially deal with). Original series timeline applies here, nothing Rebuild-centric. This one takes place roughly between episodes 22 and 23, so normal spoiler warnings up to that point apply. This story is told from Shinji's perspective, so only "this"-is-speech is needed this time. I think that covers everything, let's get right into it!

_**-Go Back to Sleep, Precious-** _

I roll over again, probably more than ten or eleven times tonight. Once again I can't sleep, my thoughts won't let me relax long enough to do so.

Simply put: everything in my life _really_ sucks right now.

Okay, that _might_ have been putting it mildly. But it's true.

Over just the last two months, I've seen things go from bad to even worse. There was what happened to Unit-03 and Toji…I don't know who I hate more for that day: my father for using _my_ hands to do his dirty work…or me for doing nothing to stop him.

I take that back: it's _definitely_ myself.

Then I ran away, only to come back and fight another Angel that nearly destroyed all of the Geofront and ended up almost permanently absorbed into Unit-01. I don't remember what happened during those days, only vague sights and sounds that come to me in my dreams. I wonder if it _was_ good that I didn't stay in there, nothing's any better out here.

A little over a week ago, I heard Misato cry herself out after listening to a message from Kaji. The way she was grieving…I don't have any illusions, he's dead. I don't _know_ that, but…I can tell by just how badly she was crying.

And I did _nothing_. Once again, I continue to be the most useless person alive. And now, she's home even less than usual. I don't know what's going on, but her absence makes the apartment almost seem…dead.

I hear a noise through the thin walls of my room. I don't have to guess what it is, I've been hearing it for the last three nights. "Asuka…" I whisper as quiet as possible.

I had failed her, too.

The most recent Angel attack, it did… _something_ to her. Misato told me very little, only that it had attacked her mind directly. I can't imagine what she went through. But yet again, I did nothing to stop it. Unit-01 had been put into stasis after what happened a month ago, and the commander wouldn't let me out to help her. Again, my hate for him at that moment is only matched by how much I hate _me_ for being useless. I've heard her cries for help in my head repeatedly since that day.

I hear more sobbing coming from her room. It's soft and almost not there, but only for someone who doesn't know what it sounds like when someone's crying while trying _not_ to sound like they are. Believe me, I know _exactly_ what I'm talking about this time. I roll over and put my pillow over my head to try and ignore it, I can't do anything else. I can't help her…I can't help _anyone_.

The sounds of her door sliding open and the soft sound of footsteps causes me to sit up with a start. Asuka has barely left her room for three days. When she does…I don't like what I see. It looks like something died in her, something in her posture and stance. But more than that, it's her eyes. They're so…unfocused, like she's barely taking in the world around her. It…it scares me.

I move off my futon and listen intently while she moves through the apartment, her steps are slow and shuffling. I slide open my own door and creep out into the hallway. I don't know why I'm feeling like keeping an eye on her like this.

No…that's not true. I _know_ why I am: somewhere in the course of living together, I came to really care about this girl. Not just as a friend, either. I don't know when it happened, and in spite of how she's treated me sometimes…I fell for her. But I couldn't do a thing about that, I never can…

I shake my head and follow her quietly, rounding the corner toward the bathroom. I keep out of sight as I watch her. She left the door open, turning on the sink before splashing some cold water into her face. She's dressed in her usual nighttime attire, but her hair is free of the A10 connectors she almost always wears. I'm not sure if I've _ever_ seen her without them, now that I think about it. She breathes heavily while looking into the water basin, slowly dragging her line-of-sight up to the mirror.

There's that look again, like something cold and blank behind her eyes. I miss the emotion that used to be there, even when it was just anger toward me. "Synch ratio zero…" she speaks quietly, nearly causing me to jump in surprise. I move back around the corner, before realizing she was speaking to herself. I knew she had gone into headquarters to do some tests to see if the Angel had caused any effects on her ability to pilot. Her short sentence sinks in, and a pit in my stomach forms. She's always made such a big deal about her status as an Eva pilot being most the most important thing to her, and now…

If I didn't already feel sorrow for her, I would have now.

"I guess they won't need me any longer," Asuka continues to speak to herself. I stay out of sight and listen, wishing I could walk in there and say… _anything_ to make it better. Stupid of me, really. I wouldn't know what to say and it wouldn't help anyway. Again, I'm utterly useless.

"No one needs me," she goes on, her voice sounding absolutely defeated. "No one here ever really needed me anyway." There's a pause and I move slowly to see around the corner again, watching as her shoulders move in that way that suggests crying. I watch as a few stray tears move down her face and drip onto the bathroom floor. "There I go again, crying like I promised I wouldn't," she says, her tone bitter and lifeless. "Doesn't matter anymore, there's nothing left for me…"

Everything becomes absolutely still and quiet as she stands there looking down at the floor. I want to walk over and…

I shake my head again. I can't do anything for her, I can't even help _myself_ …

I shift my weight after a few seconds, and the floor beneath me creaks. With the apartment being as quiet as it is, it couldn't have _been_ louder. Asuka's head turns slowly in the direction of the noise, and for just a second our eyes lock before I quickly retreat back around the corner. I haven't looked directly into them since the Angel attack…and I wish I hadn't now. That short blank stare had seemed to look though me, not really seeing me. I felt my heart rate jump into almost-panicked territory while I waited to see if she even noticed the intrusion.

"S…Shinji?" she asks softly. So much for _that_ wishful thinking. There's a long silence before I hear her speak again. "He…he wouldn't turn me away…" It's so quiet I can barely hear her, she probably just thought it out loud. I don't understand what she meant…but I don't have the time to think it over before I hear her approach my direction.

I fight the feeling in my legs to run back to my room and go to bed. So I take a long breath and step out from where I'd been listening. I don't look her in the eyes, I can't take that look in them. "Um…hi…" I manage to say. Great…once more, I'm doing _nothing_ to help.

I hear as she walks past me, I never move my head to look elsewhere but at the floor. I can still feel her presence behind me, though. "Look at me," she whispers, her voice coming from directly behind me. I sigh and prepare myself for whatever anger I'm likely to deal with from her. Actually, even _that_ would still be better than no emotion…

I finally turn around and raise my sight to meet her gaze. I'm not entirely ready for what I see. There's emotion in her eyes again…but it's sadness. The kind of terrible sadness I didn't think Asuka was capable of feeling. I knew it all too well, however. "Did you hear me?" she asks, and I nod hesitantly. "Then you know I probably can't pilot anymore." I try and open my mouth, but close it when she continues. "Don't say anything, I know it's the truth." She takes a step forward, and I move back out of an unknown fear. "There's nothing here for either of us anymore." She keeps moving toward me slowly and I keep backing up, moving into the bathroom and finally touching the far wall with my back. I've never been more afraid of her than at this moment. "So…I'm going to grant you a small mercy." I look as she reaches forwards and grips my shirt tightly in her hands. "We're going to have a little fun…" She pulls herself closer, her head now right next to mine. I can barely breathe anymore, I can't believe what I just heard, I-

My thoughts go into orbit as I feel her lightly bite me on the neck. "A-Asuka…" I try to say, feeling whatever resolve I have slipping away fast.

"Shh…just accept it," she whispers, her hands roaming my chest for a few seconds. "We're going to do a few adult things…" She reaches down and rubs my left thigh, sending what I _can_ manage to think into complete disarray. "…and then, we'll see the end." She moves her hand a little further over. " _Together_."

After a moment of trying to block out the pleasure, her words finally register with me. There's something in them that fills me with fear. "W-what are y-you talking ab-about?"

"Make me feel special, Shinji," she says into my neck. "Then… _die with me_ …" She moves her head up to look me in the eyes again, and there's something desperate and pleading in hers…but it's not _her_. "Please…"

No…this isn't right…

"S-stop…" I whisper out through clenched teeth as I try to pull out of her grip, but she's surprisingly strong. Asuka ignores what little protest I offered and continues to move against me.

"S-s-stop," I say a little louder this time, but she goes on blocking out my words. I finally find what strength I have and place my hands on her shoulders, pushing hard against her. "I…said… _ **STOP**_!" I shout, managing to remove her off of my body as I slump against the bathroom wall. I stare down at the floor and try to control my breathing, I feel like I'm going to pass out. I look back up at Asuka, but she's just standing in the middle of the room, her expression surprised. I pick myself up and onto my unsteady legs. I can't believe what just happened…or what _would have_ happened. "A-Asuka…" I say between bouts of panting, "wh-what are y-"

I don't finish the thought as I catch her gaze. The cold blank stare has returned, but there's something else there. Sadness and surprise for just a brief moment, and then…she looks terrifyingly _feral_. "Y-you…" she repeats several times before gritting her teeth and stepping right up to me.

I never see the attack, but I feel as her knee makes solid contact with my stomach. I clutch myself and fall to floor with a thud. I struggle to breathe and watch as she moves slowly out of the room, only barely catching what she says. "I guess I'll just have to do this by myself…" It takes a couple of times reviewing them before I feel the pit in my stomach return, this time also filling me with an unmistakable feeling of dread.

I finally get to my feet again just in time to look out into the kitchen and see Asuka removing one of the larger knives out of the drawer. Then her words before hit me even harder.

No, no, no, nonono… _NO_.

I feel a sudden burst of energy and run into the room, grabbing her by the wrist of the hand holding the knife. "Asuka, don't!" I yell, my voice broken and heavy from having the air knocked out of me.

She turns back to me and pulls free of my grip, brandishing the blade in my direction. "Get the _fuck_ away from me, Ikari!" she shouts back. "If you're not going to join me, then just do what you always do and _do nothing_!"

I steel my resolve and step forward. She takes a swing and I feel it slice through the fabric of my shirt and lightly across my chest. Shit, she's really serious about this. "I mean it, _I'll fucking kill you_!" she cries out. When I hesitate, she begins to turn the knife back toward herself.

I lunge forward and knock the object from her grasp and across the kitchen floor…but not before she manages to cut me deeply across the right forearm. I grunt in pain and see the blood begin to drip steadily from my wound. Asuka doesn't waste a second, going right for my midsection with a punch. " _Why are you stopping me_?" she shouts, kicking me in the upper thigh before hitting me square in the face. I wince but keep my footing, whether out of fear or adrenaline I don't know. When she goes to move toward the knife again, I reach out and wrap my arms around her own, pinning her against my body.

" _Get off me_!" she continues to yell as she struggles against me. " _Get the fuck off me, you bastard_!" I hold onto her with everything I have, not allowing her to do more than squirm and hit and kick whatever she can reach. She pushes herself into me hard, and we stumble into the cupboards, knocking some plates and glasses onto the floor. I move us away from the broken kitchenware and continue to hold steady.

Asuka shoves her head back and right into my nose. I feel the bone give under her blow, but I don't let go. I should be in a lot of pain, but the adrenaline in my system isn't letting me feel anything. She wriggles her way around, now facing me as I try and keep her in my grip. "W-why?" she asks, her attacks becoming slower and less furious. "W-why won't you just…just let me…" She finally stops hitting me, but continues to struggle weakly in my arms. " _Let me go_ ," she whispers in a harsh voice that, under normal circumstances, would have worked on me…but not tonight. Not this time.

" _No_ …" I say, my voice weak and strained from the pain I had finally begun to feel. My entire face and a lot of my body feels bruised, and I can feel the trickle of blood coming out of my nostrils.

"I said _let me go_ ," she said, a little louder this time. It may well have been the most angry I've ever seen her.

"I will not," I repeat, my voice finding its edge but my legs starting to feel like rubber. I don't think I've ever said anything in such a determined way before. "Not anymore, Asuka. _Never again_." I swallow hard and prepare to say something I never thought I'd tell her. "You're too important to me. I…care about you."

Asuka stops struggling and tenses up for just a moment before I feel her start to tremble. Just a small tremor at first, but gradually building more and more.

Then the dam finally breaks.

Asuka pushes her head into my shoulder and begins to cry with a sadness I didn't know _anyone_ was capable of. As she collapses into me, I slump to the floor, finally feeling the adrenaline leave my body…but I don't stop holding her. Not one bit.

I don't move Asuka at all, letting her cry herself out for the moment. I remember the cut on my arm and reach behind me to pull a towel out of one of the drawers, wrapping it tightly around my forearm. The fabric is immediately and completely stained red, probably forever ruined…but I don't care. I return my attention to the girl crying into my shirt. I put my arms shakily around her and try to soothe her as best as I can. "Shh…it's okay, Asuka…" I repeat several times, rubbing her upper back and hair. "I'm here. Just let it out…"

After some time, I realize that I'm also crying, although not as openly as her. They're streaming down my face and into my shirt, but I make no move to do anything about it. Even the damaged state of the kitchen is lost on me. Only Asuka is important right now. I hold onto her tighter, closing my eyes and beginning to tremble and shake just as bad as she is.

I don't know what will happen after this moment, but I know I can't stand by passively and watch her tear herself apart anymore. I _will not_ run away from her anymore.

I think I now know why, though: I…I love her too much to do that.

_**-End-** _

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on FFN on 19 January 2017.
> 
> Pre-read and then some was done by Ash. Thanks again, honey.
> 
> As usual: all comments will be appreciated, good or bad. But I do favor honest/helpful criticism, so send it my way! And review! Even if it’s not positive, review!
> 
> See you next time,  
>  _ **-Bardi (and Ash)-**_


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